Someone has to have a better life than me

I have to imagine that someone has it better than me. I don’t have it bad. From the outside looking in, my life is so great. I have privileges that so many people would be jealous of. The issue is that, thinking about how. good I have it just make me sadder. Ever since I was in middle school- when the days started getting difficult to get through and I didn’t know why, I started watching Youtubers to make myself feel better. I discovered Jenna Marbles, and Alfie and Zoella. I looked at them and how much they laughed and how much they celebrated their lives and I thought- this. I thought this is the perfect life. In my head they weren’t sad. Everything they had satisfied. They were just happy because they had a place to live and food to eat. They had the ability to be grateful for what they had- (unlike me, who I figured was just miserable because I was ungrateful). Above all, I looked at these people and the section of their lives that they showed me and decided that their lives had to be perfect. There was always a part of me that knew that wasn’t the truth. But I needed it to be. I need to know there was the possibility that someone out there didn’t feel as bad as I did for no good reason. I honestly believe that’s why it’s so devastating when Youtubers have scandals. It is well known that parasocial relationships have ruined the way we interact with influencers for a while now. There are these crowds of people who have deluded themselves into believing people behind their screens are actually their besties. But there are those of us who function under another delusion- the ones who don’t comment or swipe up. The ones who watch the same videos over and over just because they want to see people laughing and enjoying their lives. I honestly believe we are the ones who lead the waves of devastation and disappointment when we see a crack in influencers persona. Not in comments, or share, but in emotion. There is this episode in Season two of “You’re the Worst"“ on FX, where Gretchen takes on the life of another family. She spends a day with the family’s dog. She tells people about her new life, with her new kid. She imagines how happy her life could have been if she had just done one thing different. Like this family. The episode ends with Gretchen finding out that the husband is unhappy with his life, and feels like he was trapped by his wife when she became pregnant. Gretchen goes home crying. I cried at the end of this episode too. Because I had never related so closely to what Gretchen was feeling before. Now, the truth is still that the title of this show is you’re the worst. It has some heavily flawed characters and Gretchen isn’t exempt from this. Stealing someones dog and pretending to be them for a day is weird. Boiling individuals down to only the best parts of them though? Can be considered immoral. People are complex, they are not solely objects for entertainment or escapism. In this example, the family didn’t open themselves up for observation, but Youtubers do, and it is still not ok to forget that they are whole entire people. I know that. It’s not ok- what I do. But I still find myself doing it over and over. I know these people are dynamic individuals who go through the ups and downs of life just like I do. That being said, when it’s 3 AM and I’m having a hard night, I still love to put a Zoella fall vlog on and listen to her talk about candles for 30 minutes. And for all 30 minutes I imagine her life is perfect. I imagine it’s better than mine. Because it has to be.